Do It For The Plot

Your personal representative may protect you, but only your true self can connect you.

Before I started writing this blog, I can confidently say it would’ve been pretty hard for anyone to truly know what was going on in my life. I’ve been visible on social media for the past few years, but my content has mostly been funny work stories, shopping, food/bar tours, and me looking cute. Oh and of course, Bentley, my 12-year-old Shih Tzu-poodle mix. He owns me.

Living a private life definitely has its pros, but it can have just as many cons- one being that it often times leads to a lot of misconceptions. And sure, living for others’ opinions is no bueno but shouldn’t we feel connected to the version of ourselves that’s most authentic? Shouldn’t how we show up in the world reflect who we really are?

My quiet and private public demeanor usually leads to some pretty common misconceptions about me interestingly, they tend to fall into two completely opposite categories.

Some people see me as this super chill, laid-back, quiet fortress of peace. In grad school circa 2021, professors would often compliment me on how calm I seemed during exams. But in reality? I was a wreck inside. I vividly remember escaping to the bathroom before one practical to defuse a full-blown panic attack before it was my turn to test. (Yep, I have those sometimes.) Everyone experiences them differently, but for me, it starts with feeling like my breathing is off track. Like I can’t quite catch a full breath. If I don’t get it under control, it escalates to this invisible suffocation. It’s not lost on me that my panic attacks manifest as me being unable to breathe adequately instead of other forms while having a father that died from complications associated with having an intense and chronic lung disease. Something to be unpacked at some point later right? I was at ASU, literally in the shower when I had my first one. 0/10—do not recommend.

Then, on the flip side, sometimes – often times I’m labeled as the judgmental, stuck-up mega-bitch. The girl who emasculates guys for fun and only cares about her career/money. No feelings, no softness. (in reality, I’m just a fun loving girl that’s for all things Housewives, Glam, and God. Literally one of the funniest, most stylish, and least athletic people you’ll probably ever meet even my biggest haters would agree.) I’ve been compared to Taraji’s character in Think Like a Man more times than I can count. One time, a friend’s mom even said I reminded her of the cutthroat lawyer from Madea Goes to Jail who padded people’s cases to boost her conviction rate and lost her man to a “crackhead”. I was in high school at the time… Yeah. Wild.

I get that some misconceptions are just a part of life. People perceive what they want, based on limited information and their own biased POVs. But over time, all those skewed perceptions of me started to bother me. How could so many people be getting it so wrong?

Eventually, I realized that being as closed off as I was pretty much the prototype for the bunker city in Paradise made it nearly impossible for anyone to see the real me. (If you haven’t watched that show yet…literally what have you been doing? Go start the binge immediately after you finish reading and commenting on this post. SERIOUSLY!) That guardedness translated into “bougie girl who thinks she’s too good to be here,” when really, I was most likely internally spiraling about whether I looked okay or if I even fit in at all. It made coworkers assume I was some angelic Mother Teresa, when actually, I can deliver a Nene Leakes-level read in 2.5 seconds when provoked.

That’s the thing about walls: they protect you, but they also isolate you to a dangerous level of lonely. And then… what’s the point? What did you really protect yourself from? One potential problem just replaces the other.

The disconnect between who I was and how I was seen became unbearable. I needed to figure out what was going wrong. So, naturally, I sent out a little questionnaire to people that have crossed paths with me at some point or another (LOL. shoutout to those who participated and thanks for your service). I got the idea from a friend of mine that had done something similar and thankfully everyone was so honest and really helpful with their feedback. What I realized was this: I’d rather take the risk of people meeting the full version of me and not liking it rather than having them continue to form opinions about a version of me that is so far off from what’s real.

The separation that comes from being overly guarded can be so isolating that, in comparison, the fear of being transparent feels like a much lighter burden to carry. There’s something freeing, fulfilling, even about intentionally showing up as yourself. No filters. No tone-downs. No pretending. You get so comfortable in your own skin that you forget to freak about how others are perceiving you. Sure, some people will still get it wrong. Some will still be rude, judgmental, or spiteful. But the ones who do get it? You’ll feel a connection with them that you never would have even been able to imagine. One that isn’t possible if you continue to keep yourself closed off. The appreciation and support that comes from a community who truly sees you is unmatched.

So take the chance.

Put yourself out there.

I promise it’s worth it.

Remember some of the best stories are still unwritten so live boldly, embrace the unexpected, and make sure your life story is worth the MF plot!